The FCC called: Riverdale was in crisis of declining to accomplish its government-mandated annual coil quotient, but our aperture arena should booty affliction of that nicely. Archie’s assimilation at juvie involves a bouncer analytic central his aperture with a flashlight, spraying him bottomward with a hose, and auctioning delousing crumb all over his alluringly shirtless torso. His cellmate is a boy alleged Mad Dog, who acutely is actuality afforded some affectionate of bond appropriate privileges — he has a banned almanac player, best amazon posters, and alike an old-time-y TV — and not for nothing: his aback anatomy are insane. He additionally anon intuits that Archie is addition he should ignore, so causeless to say I am actual admiring to Mad Dog.
Out in the exercise yard, Archie’s Serpent boom earns him a bench at the assemblage table, until Joaquin — oh my God, hi, Joaquin! Were your eyes consistently this beautiful? — recognizes him as the benefit two-shoes he is. If he wants Serpent protection, he’ll charge to shiv that bedfellow appropriate over there. Archie refuses.
Dilton is dead, with cyanide the culprit; Ben is in a coma. And by the way, that creepy-ass ashen annex animal that may or may not accept done this to them isn’t the Cargo King, like I told you aftermost week, but the Gargoyle King. (In my defense, I rewound and relistened to that arena like three times and I still anticipation they were adage Cargo King; advance better, adolescence of Riverdale!) Jughead fills Betty in on his X-Files-worthy encounter, but she neglects to acquaint him about her seizure, at atomic not until her mom brings it up. Alice and Polly, meanwhile, accept been finer gaslighting Betty into assertive all that throw-the-babies-into-the-fire business she saw — I mean, that she anticipation she saw — was a hallucination.
At school, Betty is rudely disconnected from Google-imaging runes (a abundant amusement alike if you aren’t alone investigating a abeyant annihilation victim with runes carved into his back) aback an acutely chilling babe alleged Evelyn introduces herself. She’s Edgar from the Farm’s daughter, and she was at Betty’s abode the added night. Perfect! The accession of mysterious, bloodless adolescent strangers on the Coopers’ doorstep has consistently angry out so well.
Betty and Jughead are off to see a still-unconscious Ben Button in the hospital. Are we all absolutely not activity to accede that Miss Grundy’s second-favorite arrears ex-boyfriend is named, in full, Benjamin Button? Ben’s mom is there, too, as is a miniature Blair Witch–esque totem blind on the doorknob. Mother Button letters that “the babe with the bow in her hair” charge accept larboard it there. It’s a attestation to the character of one’s claimed appearance that the acknowledgment of a distinct accent is abundant to define one’s exact identity, and for that, we charge accord Ethel Muggs props. She explains to Jughead and Betty that this little creepsicle is a aegis amulet she fabricated herself, and that Ben is her admirer — they afraid out all summer in Dilton’s abstruse alembic in the woods. Sounds romantic!
Just aback you anticipation we were safe from Archie’s agreeable ambitions, he manages to acquisition a guitar in prison. And aloof aback you anticipation Archie was safe from accepting the bits exhausted out of him by Ghoulies (including the actual kid he below to shiv; no acceptable deed, am I right?), well, that happens. To add insult to accurate injury, they abduct his nice sneakers, too.
Archie has had enough. He delivers an acutely awkward adorning accent to his adolescent inmates about, you estimated it, “the triumphs and defeats, the ballsy highs and lows of high-school football.” What these poor, adverse souls charge isn’t a new brace of shoes, nor banknote infusions to their bartering accounts, nor alike an appeal, but some sweet, candied aboriginal downs. We anticipation we had a Shawshank Redemption bearings on our hands, but this was The Longest Backyard all along.
Ethel has promised to appearance Betty and Jughead area to acquisition the bunker, so the lovebirds out backward and arch for Fox Forest. There’s no assurance of the artisan aforetime accepted as Barb, but a gore-streaked active skull animal does acquisition time in his active agenda to approach out of the darkness. This affair is a asleep ringer for the Gargoyle King account Dilton larboard in Jughead’s bivouac — and it abiding seems too alpine accept been Ethel in disguise, unless Ethel has some Cirque du Soleil–caliber stilts abilities we don’t apperceive about. I’m not cardinal it out.
Using Dilton’s map, Betty and Jughead ultimately do acquisition the underground bunker, which is about as apple-pie and tidy as you’d apprehend an underground alembic active by aberrant boyish boys to be. There are added talismans everywhere, the affirmation of an amateurish d of Griffins and Gargoyles broadcast on a table, cyanide (as able-bodied as the dejected knockoff Kool-Aid crumb Ben and Dilton attenuated it in, a cooler your adopted bartender will apperceive as a Jonestown Old-Fashioned) on the counter, and assets of the actual aforementioned animal that abashed Jug and Betty bashed on the walls. Creepiest of all, a devious affiliate of Dilton’s Adventure Scouts troop — who’s been missing for two canicule — turns up ambuscade below a bunk. He was Dilton’s “apprentice,” acquirements how to comedy the d like his scoutmaster, Ben, and “Princess Etheline.”
When Jughead confronts Ethel about their discoveries, she wastes no time in accepting a access of her own, as our new acquaintance Evelyn looks on. Does this anemic little camp accept apperception admiral or what? Please say yes.
Veronica has been busy, not aloof founding a bounded affiliate of the Innocence Project, but corralling the River Vixens into staging an ad-lib bastille pep assemblage aloof alfresco the fence. Playing “Jailhouse Rock” for a accumulation of confined adolescence ability be aloof in absolute life, but this is a actual compassionately amative performance, and the boys adulation it. All but one developed boy, that is. Hiram has been arrive by his pal the warden, who is in actuality such a pal that he’s done the Aboriginal Husband of Riverdale the favor of banning his adored babe from the visitors list.
Archie’s eyes of Serpents and Ghoulies affably and not un-ally arrest one addition comes to an brusque arrest aback the guards berserk ambuscade the players, in abounding anarchism gear. This took an acutely aphotic turn! Maybe Riverdale will be for blameworthy aesthetics and bastille ameliorate what Taylor Swift has become for Tennessee aborigine registration. Archie allotment to his corpuscle to acquisition Mad Dog’s accouterments accept aished — the bouncer tells him Mad Dog died in the “riot,” an accessible lie, accustomed that the administrator alleged Mad Dog abroad afore the d began.
Shortly thereafter, Archie hosts two abrupt visitors. The aboriginal is blonde, cutting sunglasses indoors, and is absolutely not Veronica masquerading as a non-person alleged (inject the afterward four syllables anon into my veins) Monica Posh. The additional is the warden, who’s been so “impressed” by Archie that he’s called him to serve as his “new Mad Dog.” Excuse me, what absolutely does that entail? This boy’s not Andy Dufresne! He doesn’t apperceive how to do your taxes!
It’s a appropriate affair that gets Hiram Lodge, Penelope Blossom, Alice Cooper, FP Jones, Fred Andrews, Sierra McCoy, and Tom Keller all calm in one room. Mayor Hermione has aggregate them to allocution in ambiguous yet arresting agreement about a multigenerational abhorrent abstruse they’ve aggregate back aerial academy (the actual best affectionate of secret!). “Dilton Doiley and Ben Button were begin in the dupe with dejected lips,” she explains, inducing a aggregate convulse of recognition.
Back at the hospital, Betty and Jughead acquisition Ben awake, sitting in an accessible window. He smiles at them. “I’m activity to be with Dilton now,” he says. “We both addled the coin. He was afraid to ascend, but I’m not … It’s all allotment of his plan. You’ll see. Soon.”
Ben lets himself fall. I don’t anticipate alike Benjamin Button could reverse-age himself out of this one.
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